Pirate and a Scarlet Macaw, well, maybe.

Pirate and a Scarlet Macaw, well, maybe.

I’d only left three days to plan my Halloween costume this year.  So on a whim I decided Matt could be a pirate—a costume we basically had—and I could be a parrot.  In my mind I was going to be a beautiful parrot, red like a scarlet macaw.  I hunted on Pinterest for easy ways to transform myself into the spectacular bird.

Then I placed an order on amazon for red, orange, yellow and aqua boas (these would be my wings and feathers); a red bird mask and beak (the don’t sell parrot beaks); a rainbow-colored feather wig and a red unitard.  I had my doubts about the unitard as any sane person should, but I figured I could pull it off with everything else for one night.

All the costume parts arrived the day of the party with little time for adjustments.  I attempted to get myself into the unitard, and I can’t quite express how bad it was.  It was tight, shiny and somehow didn’t fit anywhere.  Important parts couldn’t fit in it, my back didn’t even make contact with the material, and yet if there was a crevice to fill, this red monstrosity filled it.  As someone who strives to make people feel good about their body and self-image, it seemed this was the perfect piece of attire to destroy any sense of positive body image.

I threw on a pair of black running pants and a red shirt of Matts. I looked more like a rainbow Big Bird than the stunning Scarlet Macaw I’d envisioned, but it got the job done.  And I’m here to officially remind everyone there is good reason the unitard fell out of style.  It should have never been in style.

The following day I went to return the unitard on Amazon.  They reimbursed me (thank you, Amazon) and sent an email that stated: “Don’t bother returning your item.”  The unitard was so bad Amazon was willing to pay me to keep it.